ThoughtPusher

holes

2004-07-21T18:05:00.000+07:00

Well it has been a while... and too much has happened of the 'vague and unimportant' variety to remark on. So I will just embellish on the present. I am just a week away from moving into a Really Big House. I am hoping it will have inner dimensions out of proportion to its outer dimensions. This will mark the first time I've ever lived in a house of this size in my life. Minor details: bran spankin' new (therefore can not be haunted). Two levels. 4 bedrooms. Two full bathrooms. Two balconies: one on either end of the second floor parallel to eachother. The house is shaped like a really long rectangle and is entirely of concrete construction. Tiles and white paint throughout. Oh what you can get for less than three hundred Canadian in Thailand.
We have been picking out classroom furniture all week because as it stands, we will be opening a language school with an office on part of the main floor. We have been marketing the program to our friends and neighbours and already have about 15 students booked. It looks like I may be in Thailand for a little while longer than I expected...
Other than that, all I can think of saying is that this blog is turning into exactly what I didn't want it to: an orderly, boring, weekly update of 'my life in Thailand'. It basically sucks. I might either leave it this way for good, and continue on in this way, allowing it to digress into a lonely, mundane meta-reflection of myself, and go on setting up a new one that is more appropriate for the kind of material that I am dying to fill it with. Or I could just try a little harder to find that balance of art and real life, then mix in some honesty with the facts that are sandwiched between feelings and skewered together with my spine. Any suggestions?

tired

2004-06-30T20:30:00.000+07:00

hypothalamus cobblestone stilts vasquez allergy bombproof disruption awe-

for briar patch, cargo bays around, and of tenor, are what made Canada great! Petra, although somewhat soothed over by recliners and a wolly maestro. Sometimes about demons, other times about meat, but pork chops from the dust bunnies always conquer particle accelerators for!
hayfield stalwart triangulate caleb carthage in the independant pants of gastrointestinal me.

Just had to get the juices a' bubblin'

I am tired because I had an remarkably busy day. On days like this I can easily forget I am in Thailand...

whiskey soda

2004-06-26T19:45:00.000+07:00

undersized denim jacket not by d&g, pinstriped golf shirt not by paul smith, knit bracelet not by some hippy downtown calgary, watch not by diesel.
glazed eyes by famous grouse
cheers!

Stories by Students

2004-06-25T15:42:00.000+07:00

It's always a laugh to read homework done by my younger students. Today I thought I'd put a couple of assignments on here for you to observe these talented little speakers of a foreign language at work. Rather than scanning them, I've typed them word-for-word below, exactly how they appear on paper. Spelling mistakes and all. This assignment involved teams of 5 students (12-13 years old) writing ghost stories. Each student was to write only one line and then pass it on to the next student in their team. They had only 25 minutes to do this. Also, the objective was to be able to write the whole thing in past simple tense. Keep in mind that Thais can be very superstitious. Their form of Buddhism is, compared to other Asian countries, highly animist. The idea of ghosts (ie. fear of, memory of, etc...) seems to be entrenched in their subconscious and culture. To get an idea of how real this is take a look at Thai Cinema So writing about the topic caused a lot of excitement among these children in my class. They even drew pictures to go along with the stories.

Ghost Story
A long time ago in the village of Thailand.
had ghost very much in the southwest of Thailand.
In the village very far of comfortable castle of the ghost
behide the village. The castle was opened in the midnight. This time
the ghost get of the castle come to the village for ate blood people.
When the children go out the house midnight. When the ghost
meet the children. It was to ate blood but sometime the
ghost didn't came to village therefore It's go to the
forest for meet the somepeople.

(My note on back of paper: Dear students of team 9. Your story was absolute shit. Don't even bother trying to learn Inglish if y'er gonna' fuck up something simple like 'ate blood of people' instead of 'to drink people's blood'. I don't ever wanna' see this crap on my desk again. And your illustrations? You call that art? What are you, retarded? My cat could draw a friggin' ghost better than that. Sorry, y'all get an F)

joking, of course I never said any of that

Ghost Story
A long, long time ago in Thailand. There were many ghosts.
Taihong ghost, Pob ghost and Krasue ghost. They died, but
they didn't go to heaven or hell. The people were afraid them.
The came out at night. Example Pob ghost ate many chickens.
It very afraid. Sometimes Pob ghost ate people. Taihong ghost
died died and died many times and they reborned many
times too. The people afraid them. Some body met ghosts. And you?
You built afraid by yourself. Don't afraid it.

and one more, not so Thai...

Ghost Story Dreamweaver
A long time ago in the Egypt. there were mummies in the
pyramid. They wanted blood for ate. I was afraid them but I went
to Egypt for met them and a lot of gold. And when I met them I was
scared. I want some weapons to protect my self but I had only a pistol
and a knife. So it was not enought. I must run away them. I ran, ran, ran
and then I met a dracular. And it ate my blood. !!! Ahhhhhhhhhh !!!
"Get up now, Tommy" my mother shout.
Everything that I see it's only dream.
I WASN'T DIE.

I wish I could speak, let alone read and write Thai the way these kids can with English at their age. Anyway, it was funny. If anything more comes my way I'll be sure to put it up here.

Yollew

2004-06-24T17:47:00.000+07:00

I haven't entered anything here in over a week so it's probably about that time.
I am going for my quarterly visa run on Saturday. This time I won't be going to Malaysia because I no longer live near that border. I am heading to Myanmar instead. I am looking forward to a change of scene for the visa run. A new country. New, cheerful border patrol guards. A whole new set of passport stamps. Perhaps they'll use green ink? Perhaps they'll hand out free balloons? One can only hope.
There are two methods of transportation involved in this journey. Boat and bus. I leave at 7:00 in the morning from Tesco Lotus in Phuket and am supposed to be back in Phuket at 5:30 pm. Call me a cynic, but I don't believe they will be capable of bringing me back by 5:30. I know how Thais 'chai wae la'... use time.
I'm feeling a little bored and uninspired so I'm going to call it a night. Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to write
after my visa run...
also
one can email me at thoughtpusher@gmail.com. I will be converting soon, and completely retiring my paid-for hotmail account.
If you don't have one yet, I have a few gmail invites left.

ytirailima fo htaerb wolley eht rednU

2004-06-17T10:04:00.000+07:00

Not only did I intend to leave out all vowels today, but I wanted to write everything *esrever ni dna sdrawkcab*... then I realized that it would take much too long.
Here sits I in the Inglish Department at Phuket Wittayalai waiting for my next class. It's day two of my new contract here and as it turns out, I'm doing the exact same thing I did for the last two terms: teaching M4 students. No job at a resort. Mai mee tum ngan yoo tee allamanda. Mai dai... Pom bpen kru yoo tee Phuket Wittayalai. Oh well. It's not bad, just not the change (in salary and environment) that I was hoping for. So it goes...
And as LDMA commented on this site, 'stick to what I do best: attracting M4 katoeys ;) Life is oddly weird and full of remarkable weirdness.
'MY UNCLE USED TO LOVE ME BUT SHE DIED My uncle used to love but she died A chicken ain't chicken 'til he's licken good and fried, keep on the sunny side, MY UNCLE USED TO LOVE ME BUT SHE DIED'... there: a little Roger Miller weirdness.

On a tangent: This morning at about 5:45 I was standing on our porch when two brightly robed Buddhist monks turned down our street.
I told Ann they were coming and she quickly disappeared into the kitchen. I quickly hid behind the door, an automatic response to any religious people coming near your house. When she returned she had some of our rice from the night before, and some fruit. She bowed to the monks (see: wai), and gave them the food. Next, they stood there and chanted in front of our house. It was really interesting. They were saying 'thanks for the food, dude', and generally just blessing our house and boosting our merit.
End of tangent.

I know it's hard to see...
but that actually is a wai'ing Ronald McDonald.

So aside from weirdness and monks life has re-adjusted itself to work mode and I've molted my holiday frame of mind. The only thing I must do next is find a house for us that is closer to work. I have a 30 minute+ commute and I don't like it. We currently live in Thalang, Cherngthalay, on the west coast of the island. I want to find a new place in the town of Phuket to a) avoid the commute and b) have easier access to everything. I know I'll miss living a stone's throw from the beach, but so be it. If all goes well, I'll find a cheap but new home with two bedrooms so when you come to visit you won't have to stay in an expensive hotel...

Under the almost yellow prison blanket

2004-06-14T15:15:00.000+07:00

There is no job for me at the Allamanda... so it goes.
Today was nonsense. I rode around the island completely without thought as to where I would end up. I ended up back at home. So it goes. The funny thing about riding around the island today was that I hadn't bothered to go home first and change out of my 'job interview clothes'. So there I was, cruising up and down hills, through hamlets in the middle of nowhere, wearing a tie and khaki's. I'm at the internet cafe now, and you'd think I had the sense to go home and change. Nope. Not yet. Here sits I in tie and pants. Why would someone in their right mind care to spend the day driving around a beautiful tropical island dressed like they have something important to do when, in fact, they have nothing to do? I dare not ask.
Well, I guess I'm stuck with the job at Phuket Wittayalai. The one that is a mirror image of the one I just left in Songkhla. So it goes.

I got arrested today.

The policeman was very young and smiley and he motioned for me to pull over. I knew what it was about. An hour later I was walking out of the station less two hundred baht. It must have been my lucky day for usually they fine you three hundred when you're not wearing your motorcycle helmet. So it goes.
I guess that doesn't constitute 'getting arrested', but that's the story as I'll tell it to my grandchildren one day.
So it goes...
(thank you Kurt Vonnegut... I just love that line.)

They say Dada is dead? Please be patient, the beautician is already awake.

a little something from Mr. Peret

2004-06-14T10:06:00.000+07:00

SPILLED BLOOD
The ashes which are the cigar's malady
imitate the concierges rushing down the stairs
after their broom that fell from the fifth floor
killed the gasman
that employee resembling a bug in a salad
The bird lies in wait for a bug and it's the broom that got you gasman
Your wife's hair will be white as sugar
and her ears will be unpaid bills
unpaid because you are dead
But why didn't this gasman have feet shaped like a three
why didn't he have the lucid look of a glovestore
why didn't he have his mother's dried-up breast hanging from his belly
why didn't he have flies in the pockets of his jacket
He would have passed away damp and cold like a smashed porcelain vase
and his hands would have caressed the bars of his prison
But the sun in his pocket had put on its cap

--Benjamin Peret
translated by Keith Hollaman

2004-06-14T10:04:00.000+07:00

(0)((0))(((0)))((((0))))(((((0)))))(((0)))((0))(0)

2004-06-13T17:07:00.000+07:00

ThghtPshr Slts
ThghtPshr sys thnk y fr rdng
ThghtPshr nt lk vwls tdy

Under the yellow glow of opportunity

2004-06-13T15:51:00.001+07:00

I found and ad in the paper the other day that I immediately forgot about. I came by the ad again a couple of days later when in a different frame of mind, and remembered seeing it before. It was advertising a position for an Assistant Sales Manager at the Allamanda Vacation Club / Phuket Laguna Resort. Having never been involved with the Hotel and Tourism industry before, the thought of applying for a job in this field had never crossed my mind. However this time it did. Not because I really want a job in this industry, but because I want to see if they'd actually hire me. So I tweaked my resume a bit (a lot) and called a few of my references to keep them in the know. I wrote a masterpiece of a cover letter where I managed to twist my experience as an English teacher in Asia to color me as a master of public relations, a tsar of organizational skills and a prince of professionalism both in appearance and delivery. I plodded through a downpour, through treacherous puddles and ninety degree slopes on my trusty Honda Wave to the resort head office to deliver my best sales pitch. Wearing a shirt and tie the color of White Zinfandel and dust, I unzipped my folder in the pristine office. The office had an indoor waterfall, silk cushions and new, shiny tiles. It smelled of paint and my wet raincoat. The secretary unfortunately already knew of me. This is because of the fact that my girlfriend's office is in the next building and they always see me dropping her off for work. That, and Thai's love to gossip. It was unfortunate because I had lost the element of surprise and mystique I was banking on. This was to be my vaseline coating used for getting my foot not just through the door, but all up and down the office's new carpeting, lavatory and staff discounts. 'Well, so be it', I thought. I'm always one to be ready to adapt to a dynamic environment. I gently nodded away her attempts to pin me down and to the Thai girl working in the other office across the way, and was eventually talking to an assistant HR manager. Edmund, from Singapore. Being that it's Sunday, which is not the best day to go dropping off resumes in my experience, the man I needed to talk to was not available. He will however be available on Monday at 1:00. Could I come in to meet him then? Certainly. All I have to do now is call my new employers at Phuket Wittayalai and tell them my best friend was in a car accident and I'll unfortunately have to be in Hat Yai for the next 2 days. Hopefully, if I don't get the job at Allamanda, I'll still have a job at Phuket Wittayalai. If not, I've learned a lesson: take on only what's in front of you. If you divert, the bread you're winning will get soggy and disintegrate in the Phuket rain.

Under the yellow fist of perpetual and unusual cruelty

2004-06-11T14:53:00.000+07:00

Last night I was lying on the floor and looking up at the ceiling when I had a sudden pain in the soft tissue of my scrotum. I jumped up and while attempting to undo my belt and remove my shorts I was assaulted by another and then another pain. When I finally got my pants off I immediately found the source of my anguish: an ant. There was a tiny, red 'mot' (as it's called in Thai) circumnavigating my jewels. Based on size alone one would be tempted to draw the conclusion that the mot was incapable of causing any harm. But this series of bites had me groaning and icing and whining for an hour, while my dear girlfriend sat back looking both concerned and amused. I was finally under control, however every single particle of the stuff you find in and around your bed terrified me. I stayed awake into the wee hours of the night picking lint from our linens.
This morning I had come home from running errands and I decided to have another shower. There after I commenced the dawning of my underwear. Just after gathering my keys, wallet and cigarettes and heading out the door, I suddenly experienced the all too familiar sensation of ants in my pants. This time they were going not for the jewels, oh no, they've had their fill of those I'm sure- they decided my penis would be nutritious. My pants were off before I had time to shut the front door. Our neighbors 5 year old and her little friend happened to be skipping by, hand-in-hand, babbling whatever 5 year old Thai girls babble about, while my hands were busy pulling away anything that wasn't attached to skin in my groin. They both simontaniously turned in my direction, braids with pink bows bouncing through the pale air. Time slowed to the pace of a suspenceful, Hollywood action sequence as I leapt behind the door. I'm not sure if they were able to see the entire thing, but luckily they kept going. Their curiosity obviously now dull due to the ever-presence of this strange, white man in their all Thai neighborhood. Their thoughts: "oh, it's just that ugly guy who never understands my father again. Ignore him, he's harmless and dumb."
I then hobbled to the bedroom where I proceeded to strip and inspect every square centimeter of my skin and every article of clothing I had on. So scrutinizing was I that it was an hour before I left the house again. I contemplated getting a full body wax. Can you imagine trying to find an ant that is less than half a centimeter long in your ass crack and armpits?
Shortly thereafter I was outside again, but with a mild headache, pains in my groin and in need of yet another shower. I was angry. Angry at god and insects. How can there be a god when there exists such evil, vile creatures such as snakes that kill, jellyfish that paralyze (I mean c'mon- it's made of fuggin' jelly for christ's sake. It should be cute and taste like pink), spiders that crawl up y'er arse and lay eggs and of course, ants that eat your balls. I was quite upset, and I began to rid our porch of everything creepy and crawly. Armed with a can of bug spray, a lighter, and a flip-flop sandal I began a quest for the extinction of these pointless, cruel beasts. I don't care if it poses a threat to the food chain. I don't really believe it either. Would the extinction of ants cause the end of all civilization on earth in a thousand years? I highly doubt it.
So far, here's the score:
1 moth with burnt wings
13+ ants
1 half-fried cricket (he was really fast)
1 beetle-ish thing

well... it's a start.

Under the wingspan of an almost yellow Lampyridae

2004-06-11T10:41:00.000+07:00

I was in mid-mastication when what I thought was a flying cigarette landed on the back of my hand. In a short-lived panic I leapt from my seat spitting garlic-bread crumbs and bruschetta over my girlfriend and the alarmed patrons at the next table. I continued the show by knocking over several tables, and back-handing a waitress in the neck. When the 'cigarette' crawled out from the wreckage of my cowering, prostrated body and greeted d-day with a smile, and the twinkling
of it's little luciferin, luciferase and oxygen filled abdomen, I realized what a dork I am. The alleged attacking kung-fu cigarette was really a little Lampyridae: a lightning bug. It flew up from the carnage of the restaurant, blinked harmlessly and dazzled us all by drawing the word 'suckers!' in the air. Then it disappeared out the door. Our waitress came over abruptly to see if we were ok. Embarrassed, I just stared at her in stunned humility. My girlfriend, now wearing a glass of wine, went into a flurry of Thai where each syllable seemed to end in 'ka'. I guess that means we are sorry. The people eating in the restaurant were unfortunately not as easily appeased. A baby started crying somewhere and there was a tremendous cacophony of people trying to get their meals back in order. There were ominous glares in our general direction and someone's kid threw his fork at me.
All said though, I've come to the conclusion that lightning bugs are cool. I've never been so close to one that was willing to hold still for a minute so I could get a good look. They are so bright- more so than I expected. Apparently they have evolved a distinctly horrific taste and are seldom pursued by frogs and birds anymore. Hooray for you, little flying light of my life.

Under an almost yellow raincoat

2004-06-09T18:39:00.000+07:00

It was raining so hard late this afternoon that as I crept along
the edge of the highway on the bike at a pensioner's 40 km per hour the rain was actually hurting me through my raincoat. I had just been interviewed by a school that seems to be a mirror image of the one I just left. 3000 students, you you you, wassup man (the new english hit-phrase of the south- comparable to 'my name is Kala', and 'you too?' {Honda Wave advert}), scary looking foreign staff (he he) and an overall lack of aircon. When I finally got home, with my terrified girlfriend welded to my back, we were soaked thoroughly in spite of being coated in plastic. Ooohhh my leather shoes. Ooohhh my fale Diesel watch. Ooohhh my 100% lack of an automated clothes dryer. That, and our house weeps inwardly when it rains, so it seems that nothing will get dry. I've hung all the wet stuff on a clothes rack in the living room in front of two electric fans set on rotation. The overall humidity will probably keep everything inside the house invariably wet for the next six thousand years. I'm sure this us all very,very interesting.
Well, if this job doesn't go through (which I partially hope it doesn't because then I'll have an excuse to keep waiting for my dream employer to call me from the Dusit-Laguna resort. It would be wonderful if I worked there because then we wouldn't have to move to Phuket town. The Dusit is about 5 minutes by bike from my doorstep, and right on the sea.) ...if I don't work at Phuket Wittayalai then I've got Phuket Techonlogy and a couple of others lined up.

This is the beginning of the rainy season here in Phuketland and I don't like it. I like rain, I like thunder, but I don't like being thoroughly soaked for just going outside to look at the cats or something (speaking of cats, can anyone tell me if this is real or a joke?->www.monpa.com/dwc/ I came across it on b3ta. If you have the time to read through it all, it sounds like someone went to a lot of work just to be quite satirical. If it is a joke, it's damn tight. If not, there are some really, really strange people out there. Strange may not be the word for it. More on that later) How is one supposed to commute to work when tidal waves are being randomly dropped on one from above? When the whole contents on the sea are being thrown at one from an angry, little god? Am I to be perpetually wet for two months? What will happen to my skin? Shall I sprout gills?

Still haven't gone fishing...

Under the almost yellow sun

2004-06-03T12:57:00.000+07:00

I was not meant to go fishing today.
Although I had planned on it, and was expecting
to be picked up at 12 in front of his house,
the sea chose to frighten us all away. Maybe tomorrow,
we were all able to communicate in
our various languages. The rain has been
randomly interrupted today by what seems
to be an almost yellow sun. These swell
sips of hope were not enough to calm
the terrible sea. We were not meant to go
fishing today in the deep, unsympathetic
water. I'm stuck on the island again with
the traffic, heat and myself... I
might just go eat lunch... again.
Spicy... everything is spicy these days:
-trysts with the sea
-my relationship with my girlfriend
-decorating our house
-every meal I eat
-the weather

Might just go fishin' tomorrow. If the waves aren't too crazy.

I'm the only foreigner in this little village, but within a 15 minute ride on the motorbike I can find many, many more. Not that I want to; I'm quite content where I am. I have made unexpected friends with a few 'local boys'. It's very satisfying in a sort of non-commital and carefree way. I can wander out of our little shack in just a towel to the 'corner shop' and have a few beers just before ten. Then everyone goes home to their wives and families. It's just what I need right now. As well, I can hop on the bike and go as fast as possible down paved roads leading to nowhere in the jungle and end up nowhere just the same but come home feeling like I've just been somewhere... This will all surely change once I get a job and start teaching again. I will enjoy this well needed holiday. I will go fishing in the tropical sea. I will go as fast as I can on the bike. I will eat the most spicy foods I can find. I will laugh, jest and elaborate on everything with my girl. I will I will I will I. Time to get away from this computer.